


i’m having a hard time and you used to love me (i still do)

by luxor



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Consensual Sex, Drunk Sex, Exes, Explicit Sexual Content, Implied Sex Worker, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, One Shot, Past Relationship(s), Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2019-07-17 20:05:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16102847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luxor/pseuds/luxor
Summary: Wonwoo thought he should let go.





	i’m having a hard time and you used to love me (i still do)

Wonwoo knows the bitter taste of vodka better than anyone else in the bar, loves the burn it creates as he takes his nth shot of the clear liquid. It's a much better distraction than reading his favorite novels that leave him to his thoughts, which bloom into memories of his heart being stomped to pieces resurfacing with each turn of the page. The groan that comes out is croaky, as if his liver is begging him to stop. But it's not quite enough, as his body has gotten used to being flooded with this much alcohol.

 

_"I'm breaking up with you."_

_The line was quiet, save for hushed breaths from both parties. If it weren’t for the harsh words, Wonwoo would’ve thought everything was fine—perhaps he’d even be awestruck at how Jeonghan sounded so angelic._

_"Why?"_

_The dial tone echoing in his ear was the answer to his question._

 

Wonwoo never got the closure he wanted, so he kept consciously picking at himself to find out the reason, until his self-esteem was in shambles because of it. He knows that the way he can build it back up, even for just a few hours, is to take away his sense of inhibition and judgment through alcohol.

Finally, the alcohol is taking effect when his mind doesn't scream at him for taking his phone and pressing speed dial number four.

Hoshi. _Kwon Soonyoung_. There's a grin on his face when he hears a ringing tone, taking another shot while he's at it. It doesn't occur in his alcohol-ridden brain how pathetic it was that his ex of one year is still in his contacts in the first place, much more speed dial.

"Kwon Soonyoung speaking.”

"Soonyoung," the last syllable he usually adds for his name to be endearing gets stuck in his throat, realizing that his heart and bowel contents were about to follow suit if he doesn't close his mouth.  
  
"Hello?" The sound from the other line shows a sign of recognition, and if Wonwoo isn’t drowning, he would've noticed the trembling breath Soonyoung takes before saying something, "W-Wonwoo?"

Wonwoo feels a stirring in his stomach when he hears Soonyoung utter his name.

"I just wanted to tal—"

"What do you want?"

Both of them say at the same time. The pause coming from Soonyoung serves as a sign for Wonwoo to speak first.

"I wanted to talk to you."

Silence. Wonwoo takes another needed shot when he realizes he's still too conscious enough to gnaw at his lip and worry about what Soonyoung is about to say, or if he's going to respond in the first place.

"Bullshit."

His cheek is pressed against his phone screen, a smile playing on his lips because Soonyoung knows. He always does.

"Are you at the usual? I have a pretty long break. I'll meet you there." Without waiting for his reply, Soonyoung hangs up, the dial tone irking Wonwoo before he puts his phone down.

Now Soonyoung isn't his favorite ex, that would be Minghao, who he ended in good terms with, but Soonyoung knows him the most. They used to be _best friends_  even, but saying those two words leave an unpleasant aftertaste in the back of his throat. He's the one who stuck with him. Or rather, the two of them got stuck in this pathetic excuse of a city, trying to live through minimum wage and tips and all the what-ifs haunting their brains.

Wonwoo leaves his phone unattended to tend to his remaining liquor, remembers to leave some for Soonyoung.

The door opens right before his thoughts dance off to the reason why he was drinking in the first place, and he unknowingly takes another shot of the vodka. His wire-framed glasses are crooked on the tip of his nose when he looks up at Soonyoung's mop of natural brown hair, instead of the usual bleach blonde he had when they hooked up a couple months ago.

"Asshat." Soonyoung sits across him with an estranged look on his face.

"Soonyoung."

Wonwoo doesn't realize he's staring at his sultry eye makeup, then down to the thin layer of uneven concealer around his neck until Soonyoung snatches the shot glass away from him, only to down the rest of the vodka straight from the bottle, rendering the minute glass useless.

"Talk."

Wonwoo grins that lopsided grin again, matching with his scrunched nose. "I missed talking to you." The loose white shirt hanging on Soonyoung's slender frame is prettier than anything else Wonwoo has imagined in the favorite characters he read about.

There’s a harsh whisper of ‘fucking load of bullshit’ from Soonyoung before Wonwoo speaks up, pointedly ignoring his colorful words, "Your place or mine?"

"Mine."

And so they walk to Soonyoung's place after Wonwoo pays for the liquor he drowned himself in. He deems himself still not drunk enough, when he's steady on his feet except when he gets distracted by Soonyoung's beautiful lips set in a straight line.

They reach the apartment in a few minutes, Soonyoung wordless until he's about to slip the key in the doorknob. "Who broke up with you?"

As quick as a blink, Wonwoo answers, mouth feeling dry at the thought of mentioning the name. "Jeonghan."

A snort escapes Soonyoung before he finally unlocks the door and pushes it open. "No wonder."

Wonwoo decides to push the comment aside and the pang on his chest to shorten the seconds that their lips are apart. His hands blindly reach behind him to close the door, but he ends up kicking it closed because Soonyoung has already managed to pull him towards the bed.

Soonyoung's hands are messy on Wonwoo's body, wanting to touch every single thing Wonwoo has to offer, but Wonwoo is still fixated on Soonyoung's lips.

His lips taste like cigarettes and the vodka he downed half an hour ago, and he thinks he's feeling lighter than what the alcohol made him to be when he was in the bar. They stumble towards the bed too easily, from the lack of space Soonyoung's studio apartment has, but that's just better in Wonwoo's opinion.

Soonyoung pulls away to take Wonwoo's shirt off him, his mouth deftly placing kisses all over the flat expanse of Wonwoo's chest and torso. Wonwoo has his fingers on Soonyoung's hair, pleasantly surprised that the dyed brown hair is softer than the bleached blonde strands he held onto while he was wrecking his throat a few months ago.

Wonwoo feels a sense of déja vu when Soonyoung pulls his pants and boxers down and takes half of him into his mouth, no problem. Maybe it’s the alcohol, but everything seems too familiar, a bit _too_ familiar for his liking. He lets out a shaky sigh as he closes his eyes to the sound of Soonyoung moaning around his cock and bobbing his head on it.

It doesn't take long until Wonwoo finally pulls Soonyoung back by the hair as he orgasms halfway through, pulling out to stain Soonyoung’s lips with his cum.

Soonyoung looks absolutely beautiful to Wonwoo even as one year passed by in a flash, even as couple months passed after they did the same thing, for the same reason: because someone who isn't Soonyoung broke his heart.

It seems assholish (it _is_ ) to break Soonyoung's heart all over again when they meet up, let it heal for a bit when he moves on and get his heart stomped on months later when Wonwoo is heartbroken all over again. Wonwoo ultimately decides not to get the same brand of alcohol the next time when he feels something hollow in his chest in the middle of pouring lube on Soonyoung's ass, all propped up on his fours. Two fingers slide in Soonyoung without hesitation, and he takes in the moans echoing the walls, sounding increasingly impatient as he takes his sweet time fingering him open.

"Just fuck me already, goddammit."

For a short moment, the cheap alcohol takes effect again like a flick of a switch, because he's smiling like a dumbass for no absolute reason. "Beg for it, then."

With a roll of his eyes and a childish huff that Wonwoo catches, Soonyoung pulls Wonwoo's hand off him and grinds his ass on Wonwoo's cock. Wonwoo feels a sense of pride bubble in him when he manages to slip his condom on without fumbling. He fills Soonyoung up mid-rut without any warning, and it feels just as good as he remembered it.

Both of them let out drawled moans, their chests heaving as Soonyoung tries to adjust to the size, while Wonwoo resists the urge to ram against the tightness surrounding his cock.

"You okay there?" Wonwoo asks, a casual lilt to his voice, as if hitting someone up for small talk.

He ignores the exaggerated roll of Soonyoung’s eyes when he snarks, "Um, let me think, there's a cock up my ass and my face is against this hard pillow and we're fucking in a bed that's almost about to break—"

Wonwoo pushes his hips forward to cut Soonyoung off mid-sass, grinning at the surprised mewl that escapes the Soonyoung’s lips.

" _Fuck_ , you asshole." Soonyoung hisses and starts moving his ass once he feels that he has accommodated, the girth of Wonwoo's dick stretching him in just the right ways.

Wonwoo feels out of breath when Soonyoung relaxes after a few, calculated thrusts and lifts his ass up as a signal to let Wonwoo do the rest. His calloused hands rest on the curves of Soonyoung's waist before he starts moving his hips at a pace his wily brain can handle.

At this point, he isn't even sure if he's drunk off the alcohol or off Soonyoung's presence.

Face squished against the bed, Soonyoung moans when he feels Wonwoo's pace pick up and his breath fanning over the shell of his ear.

Wonwoo's crouched posture fits right on Soonyoung's back like a puzzle piece. He whispers words in that low voice of his that barely makes any sense to Soonyoung’s ears. Soonyoung lets his guard down and laughs when he realizes Wonwoo has been imitating that online sex game they discovered one afternoon and fucked to despite the horrible graphics and unrealistic sounds.

Wonwoo's glasses keep tipping off his nose when his hips move at an unforgiving pace, but his lips leave marks all over Soonyoung's skin. He does his best to ignore the fact that the pharmacy-bought concealer is doing a bad job covering the bruises and scratches left by different strangers—marring the once pristine skin _only_ _he_ used to worship—but fails when he feels his thrusts harbor a bit more vigor and anger in it.

"Wonwoo, th-there!" The sound of Wonwoo's name coming from Soonyoung's lips mixed with the squelching sounds is music to his ears, so his thrusts remain that way until he elicits squeaky whines from Soonyoung, signalling his impending orgasm. "W-Wonwoo... I'm about to—fuck!"

Before Soonyoung finishes his sentence, Wonwoo stops altogether and flips him to lie on his back before leaning forward, his forearms resting on either side of Soonyoung's head as he smashes his lips on his beautiful, pink ones just in time with his deep thrust in an angle that pushes Soonyoung over the edge. The knot in his abdomen is taut with every thrust, the pleasure making his toes curl.

Soonyoung's moan is muffled in the kiss when he finally reaches his peak, his walls clenching down on Wonwoo, which sends shivers down Wonwoo’s spine.

Wonwoo wraps a hand around Soonyoung’s length to help him ride out his orgasm, his back straightening before pulling out and peeling the latex off his cock. "Do you mind if I cum on your ass?"

Soonyoung just gives a lazy shake of the head in reply, chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm as he slowly comes down from his high.

Without waiting much longer, Wonwoo's wrist flicks as fast as he can with his palm on his shaft, his cum tainting Soonyoung's ass once he reaches his climax. It seems anticlimactic, but all of Wonwoo is aching with pleasure, moreso when he slumps back down to press his lips on Soonyoung's once more.

In between their lips are unsaid words that taste bittersweet to both of them, but Wonwoo savors his lips, savors the way he knows he should stop but doesn't.

Both of them meet halfway by breaking the kiss.

Soonyoung is still beautiful, too beautiful that Wonwoo feels ashamed for the heroes and villains in the endless books he’s read. As he falls down from his high, much like how Lucifer fell from the heavens, he feels the effect of the alcohol that wasn’t strong enough in the first place ebb away.

They stay silent except for the lingering stares and the heaving breaths that fill the tiny studio apartment.

_I miss you_ are the words Wonwoo wanted to say when Soonyoung starts dressing up again. _I miss you so fucking much and I want you back. Don't leave._

_Don't leave me like I left you._

His heart drops when Soonyoung gives him one last look before leaving. Wonwoo doesn't notice the melancholy brimming Soonyoung's glassy eyes, too busy wallowing in his own shame and regret.

"I have to go back to work. I have clients who actually pay well. Just leave a seventy on the nightstand and lock the door behind you when you leave.”

It’s the kind of regret that sinks in as soon as you realize that you could’ve done something, _anything_. He lets Soonyoung go without saying the longing words that hang heavy on the tip of his tongue.

“...Don’t call me again.”

Maybe it’s the alcohol, but that last sentence doesn't register in his mind. But that doesn't make any sense, since the alcohol was cheaper than he is and it barely made any effect on his system despite how much he says he’s drunk.

Wonwoo leaves Soonyoung's apartment a hundred bucks poorer, his heart not feeling any better than when he gulped down that first shot of vodka.

 

_“I’m sorry, Wonwoo,_ please _.” Wonwoo didn’t hear it, or maybe he didn’t want to hear it, but Soonyoung’s voice trembled amidst the static the payphone creates. “Don’t leave me. I’m doing this for us. I—”_

_His laugh was mirthless, but it was enough to cut Soonyoung off from whatever bullshit he had to say._

_“Don’t call me again.”_

 

It’s not quiet when he gets back to his place, the muffled sounds of late-night telemarketing ads seeping through the thin walls shared with his neighbor’s apartment. But it isn’t enough to drown out Soonyoung’s voice ringing in his head.

_He's_ never enough.

Wonwoo’s thoughts scream for him to go back, say sorry, do _anything_ to hear his voice again, look at his face one more time. But his pride, beaten black and blue, says otherwise.

Maybe he can try moving on from Soonyoung this time.

Maybe.

**Author's Note:**

> fic is heavily inspired by love again - girl's day. this draft was two years old and i only had the guts to post it now......... now let me go hide in a sad hole


End file.
